"Am I an Alcoholic?” Chances Are You’re Not, and You’re Also Not Crazy
In relationships with narcissistic partners, it's disturbingly common to be accused of things that simply aren’t true. The accusations can range from "You're an alcoholic" to "You're crazy"—phrases designed to undermine your confidence, make you question your own reality, and ultimately keep you under their control. If you're in this position, know that you're not alone, and you’re certainly not "crazy" or losing control. Let's unpack how these tactics work and how to see through the manipulation.
The Accusations: Creating Self-Doubt Through Lies
Narcissistic individuals often accuse their partners of being unstable or addicted, using small, everyday behaviors as fuel for their claims. These accusations usually come from minor situations and are twisted to fit their narrative.
"I remember I was threatened with being called an alcoholic because once a week or so, I would have a small drink when I came home from my 12-hour workday."
This quote highlights a familiar tactic: taking something as innocent as a casual drink after work and inflating it into an accusation of addiction. Narcissistic partners often seize on normal behaviors and weaponize them to create a distorted reality where you’re the one with the problem, not them.
Gaslighting: Twisting Reality Until You Doubt Yourself
One of the most insidious tactics narcissists use is gaslighting—a psychological manipulation technique that makes you question your own experiences and beliefs. Gaslighting is designed to make you feel like you’re losing touch with reality, and it’s one of the most powerful tools in a narcissist's arsenal.
"Gaslighting is literally just making you think that what you believe is not true… You see it with your own two eyes, or you feel it, you know it, you've lived it, and they say that that's not true, and it makes you second guess your own actual reality."
This type of manipulation slowly erodes your self-confidence. By denying your lived experiences, the narcissist makes you question your own thoughts and memories, leading to confusion and a reliance on them as the "truth teller." When someone you trust constantly undermines your reality, it's easy to feel lost, isolated, and convinced that you’re somehow at fault.
The “Alcoholic” Accusation: A Strategy to Undermine Confidence
For many, the accusation of being an "alcoholic" becomes a tool to discredit them, especially in front of others or even in custody battles. This accusation can make you doubt your own behavior, even when there’s no real evidence to support it. It’s a tactic meant to make you feel broken and in need of help, so they can maintain control over your life.
"She believed she had a problem when at the heart of it, she was like, 'I just don’t think I do… I haven’t had any problem with recovery.'"
This quote reveals how narcissistic partners can create an entire narrative around addiction, even if you’ve never struggled with it. Often, the intention behind such accusations is to paint you as "unfit" or "unwell," particularly if there’s a chance it could benefit them in legal proceedings. It’s important to trust your own understanding of yourself and recognize when this label is being used as a weapon.
The “You’re Crazy” Narrative: Gaslighting in Full Force
Accusations of mental instability are perhaps the most common form of gaslighting. In some cases, narcissistic spouses go as far as to manipulate medical situations, such as surgeries or accidents, to make their partners feel that they’re losing their minds.
"Her neurosurgeon reassured her… there is absolutely zero possibility that your memory is affected. But he was so convincing and gaslit her into believing this."
In this story, a woman was manipulated to believe her brain surgery had caused memory loss, even though her neurosurgeon assured her otherwise. For two years, her husband consistently reminded her, both privately and publicly, that her surgery had affected her memory. This form of manipulation was so extreme that she started to believe it herself, even though it wasn’t true. This tactic is designed to isolate and destabilize the victim, making them more reliant on the narcissist and less likely to question their accusations.
Recognizing the Narcissist’s Playbook
Sadly, these manipulative tactics are disturbingly common. Many narcissistic individuals seem to follow a similar "playbook" when it comes to creating doubt and confusion in their relationships. From accusing partners of addiction to questioning their mental stability, these strategies are not unique to one person but are part of a broader pattern of narcissistic abuse.
"It's almost like they download the ‘how to screw my wife over’ book… the story is so prevalent that the five of us have two to three stories of that same type of situation."
If these situations sound familiar, know that this pattern is recognized by others who have experienced similar relationships. This shared experience is a reminder that these behaviors are part of a known pattern, not a reflection of who you are. The tactics used by narcissistic individuals are deliberate, and the pain they cause is real—but they are not a measure of your worth or sanity.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Reality
If you’re dealing with accusations of being “crazy” or an “alcoholic,” remember that these accusations are a reflection of their need to control, not a reflection of who you are. Recognize these tactics for what they are: manipulations designed to undermine your confidence and keep you in a state of self-doubt.
Reclaiming your reality can be a slow process, but start by trusting your own perceptions and seeking support from others who understand. You don’t have to face this alone. With awareness and support, you can begin to see through these tactics and regain confidence in your own reality.
